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Growth

It ebbs and flows. I have days I'm giddy by the sense of victory in handling my bullshit. Then, there's nights like tonight. I did everything right, really. I chose to have a great day. I actively chose to look at each and every situation, no matter the circumstance, in a positive light. And then boom. It sort of creeps in subtly. I feel it coming, and somedays I successfully avoid it. I really do. But sometimes I don't. I expose my feelings unintentionally to those I don't trust with them. I start swimming in the darker places in my mind. I'm usually quite talented at hiding whatever it is that's brewing within me, but I see it trickle into the way I handle myself and others. Can I compliment her without putting myself down? Do they even want me to reach out? This is all worth the work, right? I'm working on not caring what people think, but it's fucking hard. I envy those who seem to do it so naturally and I'm realizing more and more that it's just simply going to take time. I'm working on trusting myself. I hate that I look back on who I was at the beginning of 2020 and I can barely recognize her. Sometimes I catch glimpses of her; the parts of me that haven't manifested a genuine sense of confidence. So tonight, at 12:34, I'm telling her she's beautiful and she's doing a great job. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I don't have to carry anything over I don't want to.


-kr